An Announcement for All Americans. Y'all Ready for This??

Are all you Americans ready for this announcement from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Are y'all ready for this?

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). 

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. 

God Save the Queen!

End of announcement.

And so, my American friends: soon we shall all be one happy family again.

I, for one, can't wait!


  1. THOSE are fightin' words. I'd go to war over them. O, wait, we already won our independence by God's grace, through a war the first time.

    However, I will make one teeny-small concession, and start observing tea time regularly. :)

  2. LOL ~ I mean this may be one of the funniest things I've read in a while! I vote to accept our friends as part of the commonwealth, but not allow them to compete in the commonwealth games so that Australia can keep it's fine ranking :)

    Thanks for the laugh ~ I guess her majesty released this from Australia as she is currently here visiting ( my sister saw her the other day)

    Have fun

  3. I could add you also start calling your mother 'mum' and not mom! I suppose you know the Queen is here in Australia having quite a long visit! One little boy when asked about meeting her said 'She's just like a little grandma, you just want to give her a hug.' That was such a sweet and innocent response don't you think! Did you make this up Anne or is it one of those witty things going round the internet? It is quite clever. I liked the parts about New Zealand being the greatest sporting nation - especially now they have the Rugby World Cup again. I know I switched allegiance after marrying a kiwi but I still support Liverpool in the soccer - I mean football! Please do one on Australia and plead with those who want us to become a republic the reasons not to!

  4. Lol...funny post. (Good thing I know you really have a soft spot for us!) I don't know which I like best: #5, #13 or #14. I'll suggest #16: You shall learn the meaning of 'stiff upper lip' and subsequently shall exhibit said stiff upper lip daily. When did you become such whiners?

  5. We Americans love it here, quirks and all. ;) However, as noted, we also enjoy the English tea time daily. We are fortunate to have family in England were able to visit the London and Bath area last summer. Lovely!

  6. What to say, what to say...yep, very funny!!! Agree completely about Andie Macdowell...even to my ears her accent is like, you know weird. Round abouts, yes. Tea, mhmm. Best to just let the rest go!!!!! Thanks hahaha

  7. Oh and add woollen to the spelling list please. Thanks for the giggle.

  8. And 'got' for gotten (which is actually the OLD English version - which we kept, WHILST (!) you stopped.

    So long as I can still order a "taco' and not a taaaako (a as in apple), and put oregano in my pasta sauce, instead of oreGAHno in my paaasta sauce, I guess I can handle it. I will be looking forward to those cream teas! (it's all about the food, dearies)

  9. Yes thank-you I so needed that! Blessings to you! Roxy

  10. hilarious! thanks for sharing

  11. Everyone in our house read this post.....I could hear laughing from Ben's room as he read #1!

    I will, LORD willing, learn to drink tea at 4 in the month of August on your side of the pond before I am 80!

  12. Reneta and Ann, yes, let's definitely speak out for the Commonwealth!

    And to all you Americans.... what can I say? Y'all know I love you, and I reckon this was worth a try to get you guys and us guys talking again. I'm not giving up on reconciliation. I mean, c'mon, *anything* would be better than us being forced into even closer European ties.

    Oops, that was very political, wasn't it. But I guess all my readers already know that I, like Churchill, will always look West and not East when I wanna find friends ;)

    Leslie.... LONG before 80!!

    And thank you all for taking it in the fun it was meant.

    Lovin' y'all :)

  13. Andie McDowell was supposed to be British in that movie? Who knew?

  14. This is too funny for words. I especially like #6 - it would take out about half the idiots who share the road with me on my commute - I think it's a plan!

  15. Very cute! I always enjoy stopping by your blog. Speaking for the state of Texas, however, number 11 alone would be enough to start the next revolutionary war.

  16. Why in God's name would you WANT us??? We'll bankrupt you in short order!!

  17. That is absolutely hilarious! I love it! We would be better off with the queen~temporarily anyways! LOL! I love it!#13~ it was probobly our govt! As for #5, we almost have that one implemented anyways! Thanks for the laugh!

  18. hahahahaha!! I wouldn't mind most of them other than the taxes since 1776. Ouch. And I happen to drink tea all the time...not just at four o'clock. I'm glad I found your blog, Anne!! :)


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